I recently read a post over on The Transformed Wife’s blog titled A Sexless Marriage Is A Catastrophe For Men, and I just wanted to share my thoughts and a bit of my experience surrounding the subject.
This is the quote from Suzanne Venker’s new book “How to Be a Wife” that Lori talks about in her post.
“Research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. For men, it’s almost always a result of a sexless marriage. For women, it’s a result of emotional deprivation: the husband is too wrapped up in his job or his hobbies or whatever else to give his wife the time and attention she needs. That’s a great example of how research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. Many wives are all too happy to go years without sex. For men, it’s a catastrophe.”
To this Lori says,
“They (men) were created to want and need sex. God gave them this strong sex drive to marry and bear children. It’s a good thing when used within the bonds of marriage. Don’t deprive your husbands, women! Build your homes up and be a willing partner for your husband. This is a huge part of keeping your marriages strong.”
I agree with both Suzanne and Lori. I do believe that, for the majority, men need sex more than women. I know my husband certainly expresses this need more than I do. I personally have sometimes found myself wanting to say no, not tonight, or trying to think of ways to just go-to-sleep at night. While this may be acceptable in some situations, especially if I am sore but willing to be “there for him” on those nights, I try not to have those nights too often. Saying no to sex once in a blue moon does not equal deprivation!
I know in the past, I have even fallen into the spiral of trying to argue that there is more to our relationship than just sex, it shouldn’t be the most important thing, that we should do other things together, not have everything revolve around when we can sneak off to do the deed next, etc. And while there IS more to our marriage, and we SHOULD be doing other things as well, sex is actually supposed to be the one thing that sets a marital relationship apart from every other relationship there is. That’s a pretty big deal. We are told in Genesis and Matthew to leave our parents, cleave to our spouse and become one flesh. Guess what, that means sex.
The ways that I would find myself thinking sometimes, I knew this was the devil trying to whisper in my ear. And now, most of the time, I have learned to recognize this and fight it. Those thoughts aren’t how we as married women should think. Recently, I have tried to be more intentional about being there for my husband as much as he needs. Not turning him down when he shows clear interest along the lines of sex. However, I do feel like I still don’t quite live up to his expectations, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try and I won’t stop trying for him. I work at being in the right mind set and being more open to frequent frolicking. Especially on those days where it’s just been a tough one for me. I try to put the babies to bed at a decent hour, take a nice relaxing shower and just make myself a little more presentable (aka clean) especially if I know this certain activity is on Hubby’s mind. It’s called effort, and if we, as wives, stop putting in any effort then the husbands stop putting in any effort (vice-versa) and before we know it, one or both parties will be looking elsewhere.
Marriage was made for sex. Between a man and a woman with the sole intention of pro-creation.
In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:9 it says,
“But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
Marriage was put into place for sex. Sex was put into place as a way to make babies (aka pro-creation). Marriage is a sacred union. If you are married, it is your duty to fulfill this “burning” need of your husbands. As it is his duty to fulfill your needs. It is a two way street, sex is not intended to be all about one party, it’s a give and take.
Our men should have no reason to stray, and if they do then they will answer for their sins. But, yes, if you are withholding sex simply because you’re too tired or “just not in the mood” and you’re doing this more often than you are giving sex, then you do play a part in your husband straying. Now, I do believe that if you are there, ready and willing and your husband still strays then adultery is the one acceptable reason for divorce and you should hit the road!
Anyways, that’s just a bit of my ramblings about the topic.
A huge part of a good marriage is a good sex life. Wives, be there for your husbands and husbands, be there for your wives. Make the time for each other in this way, make sex a mutually important part of your marriage and I know you will be on the right track to a great marriage.